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[choice]

Hi Everyone,

I use to go to AL Anon about 10 years ago. It was before I realized that I too in fact had an addiction to alcohol or possibly my addiction hadn't progressed into what it is today. I had always promised myself that if I was ever putting someone else in the pain I was going through in AL Anon that I would stop drinking. So here it is, I'm 50 days AF because I was scared I was abusing alcohol and it was affecting people I love. I've worked hard at this and feel very thankful to MWO. I realize that 50 AF days does not take me out of "the woods" by a long shot, but it has given me much needed perspective in my life to continue to strive for sobriety. Here is my problem, I've posted two posts about it in the Just Starting Out Sober October thread, but It feels kinda like a biggie problem that I don't want to distract from all of the other folks on the thread while we string along our AF days.

My boyfriend has been supportive of my decision to become AF because we would get into terrible fights when we both were drinking. He also had some concerns over me stopping completely and expected that I'd moderate once I gained "control" over my drinking. I am sorry for this long story... but I am struggling pretty bad today with his abuse of alcohol last Friday evening and how he treated me when he came home.

I met him about 13 years ago. We dated for almost a year and I ended it because of his drinking. Not that I really saved myself from anything as I proceeded to date alcoholic after alcoholic for the next decade. Now that I'm dealing with my own alcoholism I'm obviously realizing I probably choose booze hounds so I could drink as much as I wanted and point fingers at them instead of taking responsibility for my own actions. A lot of times, I truly felt I'd fell victim to their alcohol abuse. I justified my own drinking because of it... vicious circle now very obvious. I think I also developed a can't beat um, join um attitude. All real BS stuff I was doing.

We re-kindled our romance over a decade later through e-mail. I asked a lot of questions about how his drinking situation was going because I was concerned about putting myself out there. He had mentioned he had crashed his car in a DUI and had spent some time in jail for it. That it had changed his life and he stopped drinking for 6 months. Later I find out that there was a domestic dispute tacked on to his charges the same month as his DUI and that is the real reason he'd spent as much time as he did in jail. Also, since then I've learned from him that he had hit rock bottom with drinking was very depressed, over weight and just wanted a fresh start. He jumped parole (where he was forced to take antabuse and attend AA meetings).

He started his life fresh and has worked his way up the corporate ladder being able to drink in moderation. But he has left a big mess with warrants. (He hasn't been back in almost 11 years so I don't know if there is a statue of limitations or what the deal is.) I found it hard to moderate my own drinking, but I tried my best to mirror what he was doing. I was actually impressed with how far I'd seen him come from the man I remember being very outlandish with his drinking behavior. Also it felt like I was making headway in my own drinking habits... so it seamed but then I had to STOP.

As I've tried to moderate my own drinking over the past year and months I'd dealt with cravings... etc.. so when I'd had enough of my own drinking problems... I found it a little more manageable to go AF. Without MWO I'd still be trying to moderate and failing. I am so relieved to be sober it's much better, I have so much more self respect. Now I am at a real disturbing point in my journey. I'm realizing that my boyfriend hasn't got much of a grip on his drinking as I had thought. Unless he's like many I've scene in the forum "slip" sometimes.. and then get right back up and re-gain control again. I could see that maybe I could slip sometime and I'm so scared of it happening to me... It's so confusing and hard. I don't want to judge but if I don't look at it seriously how do I avoid disaster? Anyway, last Friday in fact He behaved exactly like the man I remember attacking me with slurred words many years ago. Blaming it on "work" related socializing.

He has come so far and been so supportive in my sobriety for my 50 AF days. But I'm very worried and tired after dealing with him last Friday night. It was very discouraging as we just picked up my engagement ring a week prior. I know he feels terrible probably worse then he's letting on. I'm trying to handle this as best I can. He's really been there for me and I feel like if it were not for him, and this relationship I might not have decided to look at my addiction to alcohol and do something about it. I'm pretty discouraged and I don't want to leave him, be a hipocrate, or make ultamatiums. I just needed to write about whats happening because I feel anger building up and I don't want to explode or implode.

Thanks for listening, sorry for this long all over the place post.:h

[Marshy]

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Hi Choice,

What a hard situation you're in. You know all the stuff about not being able to change someone else, only being able to change ourselves so I won't go on about that.

This website is great for straightforward advice and it might help to read this.

How to Help an Alcoholic

This passage struck me:

If the alcoholic is drunk and is engaging in unacceptable behavior (such as being verbally abusive for example), would that behavior be acceptable to you if they were sober? If the answer is no, then you should not tolerate that behavior?.ever.

If their behavior is unacceptable when they are drunk then it is unacceptable, period. You should not tolerate it if you would not expect it from them if they were sober.

In the end it boils down to whether or not you're prepared to put up with your partner's behaviour or not and want to get married knowing that maybe his drinking will get worse over time (as we know it's progressive). Only you can decide that.

[thirdsister]

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Choice, I'm curious, how have things been going with you and your boyfriend/fiance? My heart goes out to you!

[choice]

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Hi thirdsister,

It's kinda odd.. I was thinking about this post tonight and decided to check it. I was actually thinking of deleting it then I saw your reply. So I'm glad that I didn't delete. I read about your struggles with your sister and just want to send you strength. I actually have good news to report regarding my engagement. I have to add that I really took the advice of Marshy and another member Sheri's links about family members affected by drinking. I also had to push the relationship to the edge and had to do tough love. Mainly it came down to my own sobriety which I've learned I need to put first before anything else.

We are still engaged but I had to physically leave for a while. He really needed to decide to be sober on his own, and not for anyone else but himself. He had been going along with me in 30 day stints but it was spiteful and then he'd have a few drinks, be kinda okay? I was really nervous so it's hard to tell.. but then he'd sometimes have way to many and get aggressive with me.

Kinda saying I was ruining his "fun" etc... (believe me, he did not look like he was having fun he was slurred and disoriented, acting like a child who needed sleep, temper tantrum.. etc..) I've never been physically afraid of him just more annoyed, irritated, angry, sad and let down, worried, hurt. He did this two or three times during my first 90 days sober. It wasn't supportive of what I was trying to do but, he's an alcoholic so his drinking had nothing to do with me.

We decided to take a 3 month break. That's where I am now. This decision was made over a difference of opinion. Over if one beer or "a few" were okay. It was his decision that it was. Because of his history, my own recovery as an alcoholic, and everything I've learned here in MWO I felt his attitude equaled doom for my future. We couldn't believe it was coming down to this. But it was. We love each other very much and didn't want to make an off the cuff decision we'd both regret... but we needed SPACE to deal with our own addictions in our own way. (Although.. he didn't see that he had a problem at this stage... he just thought I had become uptight and needed to unwind AF somewhere else for a while.) Truth be told he was right.... about me anyway.

The first couple of weeks we had contact and he was still kinda cocky about his one beer or "a few" beer control. I was relieved to be away. He was acting like a brat. Until New Years Eve. He got so DRUNK and spent the evening with a few real hard core drinkers that he really doesn't have much respect for, stayed out until 4 or 5 am. I called him the next day to wish him a happy new years. it was 9 am and he was loaded. I was SO RELIEVED I was safe and away. I knew to get off the phone as soon as possible. I called him 6 hours later (I didn't want to) but I do love him and I knew he needed my love very badly. He was sober then, desperate, ashamed, admitting he was an alcoholic, going into self hatred, etc. It was a tone in his voice I had never heard before and I knew it was the truth. I knew it was the truth because when I asked him if he was scared. He admitted to being terrified. He went to AA the next day. We are on the same page and want to live a sober life together. I have faith that he can do this because I've watched him hit 30 days before.. and now he's got a stronger resolve.

He now knows that one beer is one beer to many for people like us. He bought a ticket to visit me which completely surprised me and will be here in a month. Now our talks are open and honest. He has found a lawyer to help him sort out his legal problems. And the future isn't looking so doomed. I'm supportive of him wanting to be sober, I am aware of how tricky this is knowing the addiction myself. I didn't give up hope I never would with him, I love him with all my heart. Sometimes a persons love is strongest from afar. I honestly believe if I had been there on NYE he wouldn't have reached this decision. Now it's his choice. I am relieved he came to this decision on his own. It never would have worked any other way. And, first and foremost I am SO glad I was sober NYE and woke up with a fresh head for the New Year. When you put yourself first it is amazing how much better you can take care of someone you love. It's HARD but worth it. :l:h

[witchywoman]

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sweetie, that sounds like huge progress for him, & for both of you
XX

[thirdsister]

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Choice,
Thanks for the update. Sounds like things are moving in the right direction. I'm impressed to hear he hired a lawyer. My Dad always told me it's not the mistake that defines a person, it's how they respond to the problem. Sounds like your fiance is ready to man-up and take back his life. That is fantastic!

Thanks for the support with my sister. My folks are checking out Al-anon and I think it's something I should look into as well.

[choice]

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Thanks Witchy! And it's good to hear from you Thirdsister,

I went to AL Anon many years ago (over a different boyfriends drinking) I still hadn't looked at my own drinking yet... or maybe I didn't have a problem (yet). I pretty much stopped drinking when I heard from my mom and sister that my drinking was affecting them. When in Al Anon, I remember saying to myself... if my drinking ever hurts anyone I'll stop... so when it did I had to stop.

I thought AL Anon was an amazing experience. What's so wonderful about it is you are dealing with similar problems and learning how to cope within a support group. I do really wish this section of MWO got more traffic. It is such a wonderful site for people struggling with alcohol dependency. I think AL Anon was/ is so helpful. Especially with someone so close you, as your sister. I can choose to leave or stay with a boyfriend, fiance, etc. A sister is, well, I have a sister and so I understand. :l :h I hope you and your family can get the support it needs. Support is so valuable. It allowed me to feel happy again and not feel like anything was my fault... I couldn't control if or when someone decides to drink. All my worrying was destroying my life. They give you tools there to handle all sorts of situations and feelings. My heart really goes out to you. You are a good sister. :l

[thirdsister]

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Choice,

Thanks for all your words of support. I do need to get to Al-anon...I just found out today that my sister is in jail. My Mom doesn't know what to do, whether to visit or write. Not sure if she should even accept her phone calls. I couldn't visit since I'm in a different state but I could write. I think I probably will. But I really don't know. Too early to say, need to digest this information.

Considering I just started a new job this week and I'm getting married this year...a little extra support system might not be a bad idea : )

I really appreciate your kindness.

[choice]

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I'm sorry to hear this news for you thirdsister. I think your right about needing time to digest the information. Congrats on getting a new job!! That's fantastic news... it's such a difficult time to get work these days. Also Congrats on getting married this year!! Sounds like you have a TON on your plate. I'm not sure if you've heard this about dealing with people with addictions yet but someone here gave me amazing advice. It has to do with the oxagen mask in an airplane. You have to put your mask on first before you can help anybody else. It really stinks your sis is in jail the week you got a new job. Argh! This addiction is such a selfish beast! Hopefully she is hitting her bottom, and the only way to go is up. But you can't worry about that now (hard as it may be) you've got a new job to think about and the excitement of getting married. I think it's okay to write to her if it makes YOU feel better. I'm not sure how long her sentence is for but, I think you are very smart in knowing you need time to digest this news. Take all the time you need. My heart goes out to you. It's exausting dealing with a loved one's addiction. :l

[thirdsister]

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She had a court hearing today. My Mom drove downtown to be there. My Dad went with but wouldn't go into the courtroom, just wanted to support my Mom. Anyway, she is going to be evaluated at a different facility for two weeks and then a decision will be made about her sentencing.

She wrote a letter to my parents on her 2nd day in jail, 6th day sober (according to the letter). She apologized and requested they keep her laptop and unemployment as the start of her repayment. Asked them to keep the letter and make a copy for her so she can always remember how bad she's feeling about what she's done and how she's behaved. Sounds good. Not sure if I mean that sarcastically or not...

Mom said she didn't react to her being there. And didn't look at her.

It's weird ya know. But I suppose it shouldn't be, after all the last time I can remember her being well is like fifteen years ago. The last time I can remember her being genuine is before we were teenagers.

Anyway, I'll be honest, I still haven't gone to an Al-anon meeting. My Mom has gone a couple times and had a really good experience last time. That's encouraging )