The first thing I want to say is thank you for having this resource available for alcoholics, their friends and families. I have read many stories while trolling the forums and some are heartbreaking and some are really inspirational. I now have hope that the Woman I love can overcome her addiction or at least bring it under control.
I am going to give a little history first so this post may get long. But, I need help, so please bear with me and share your advice with me if you can. I have so many questions I don?t even know where to start.
I met this girl I will call Mary when I was 15. We dated for 3 years off and on and then we broke up and we lost touch for many years. She was my first love. I have thought about her many times throughout the years and she always occupied a special place in my heart. I am now 37 and she is 34. I found her on Facebook a few months ago and I decided to contact her. We texted back and forth a few times and I decided I wanted to stop in to where she works and say hi. She is a bartender. I just thought it would be two old friends chatting and I would see her every once in a while, but nothing more. The problem came when I saw her that first time, I immediately knew that I still loved her and that she is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I have dropped hints at how I feel but I have not told her everything yet, she has a lot on her plate already. We kissed once but nothing more. I stop in to see her about once a week and we text back and forth occasionally. Now comes the part I need help with.
She is an alcoholic. Reading back on her facebook, she has been hospitalized with pancreatitis and had many bouts with sickness from drinking too much. Her Mother is an alcoholic and has been her entire life and they are very close. A couple weeks ago we arranged a formal date. I had been trying without success for weeks to get her on a date. She asked me on this date, so I was really excited. Three days before the date she went to her Mother?s house. I think they drank all night but it wasn?t my business to ask so I never did. The next day I texted her and asked how she was and she said she was not good and she thought she would have to cancel our date. I texted her back several times but never got a response. The day after our date was planned, she texted me and said she was doing better but that she had been sick. I asked her if she was hung over and she said no, ?pancreas?. So, she had another bout with pancreatitis. She was just hospitalized for three days over new years for pancreatitis. I am really worried about her health.
After her last bout with pancreatitis, she stayed sober for 7 days. Then she got some bad health news about her cats, coupled with a lunch date with her Mom and she was drinking again.
Mary says that she thinks she will be dead before her Mom if she keeps drinking this way. Her Mom?s health is pretty bad and Mary don?t think she will live much longer. When I was talking to her about it, she was getting teary eyed and said she don?t know what she will do without her Mom. Then she said just talking about her made her want to do a shot and drink even more. I don?t want her to feel that way so I am unsure if I will push her to talk about these issues again. After our talk, she did thank me and said it helped to talk about it with me. She is a bartender and she is very social, but she doesn?t have anybody really close to talk to except her Mom. She is a very private person outside of work and I am finding it difficult getting close, although I am making progress slowly. I am patient and I will succeed in getting closer, I don?t doubt that. I just don?t know how to help her quit drinking. She said she wants to do treatment, but that she has too much on her plate right now.
Two days ago I went to the bar and had a few beers myself. I am a social drinker and before meeting her for the first time, hadn?t drank in 6 months. Now, I only drink when I am with her, but I keep it pretty light. Should I not drink when I am around her? I usually have 2 or 3 beers then switch to soda.
When I saw her two days ago, she left after work to get her hair cut because she was starting a new bartending job the next morning. I told her I would be in the area for a while if she wanted to hang out after she was finished. I left to get something to eat and she went to get her hair cut. She texted me an hour later and said she was going back to the bar to have one more and she invited me to join her. One more drink led to one more drink which led to just one more drink. Finally the bar was closing. She had planned to be in bed by 11PM and we left the bar at 130AM. She still had laundry to do and her nails. We went back to her place and she did her laundry. I stuck around until the laundry was done and left about 4AM. She had to be out of bed by 830AM. She made it to the new job ok and worked all day. After work, she went back to the bar and she was up until 430AM again that night. I saw her today and she said she was pretty tired.
Am I part of the problem here? I don?t want to think that I am because she did this before I was back in her life. Maybe I am just in denial mode though, please help me. When I see her, am I enabling or encouraging her by drinking a few beers myself? Should I avoid drinking alcohol when I am around her?
I have been reading some Bac stories and I think she would be open to trying it out. I just don?t know how to approach her about it yet. I am concerned that with all the added stresses in her life, coupled with where she works, it will make it more difficult.
The other concern for me is the SE?s. She is under a microscope at work and she can?t be forgetting drink orders or even how to make a certain drink. She works alone so there isn?t anyone else there to help her out if she needs it.
I love this Woman more than words can say. I know that I am embarking on an epic battle against alcohol that may last the rest of my life, but she is totally worth it.
I have read an article that say?s to set boundaries, confront them, do a formal intervention, practicing detachment, etc. The problem is that I am new to her life. I don?t yet know how she feels about me. I know that she likes me a lot, I can see it in her eyes. She said she has too much going on right now to concentrate on a relationship and I agree with her. I am afraid that the approach the article tells me to take will not work in my case. Losing her forever is unacceptable to me and I will not risk that. She don?t have any really close friends and those she is close to are alcoholics, except me.
She is deep in debt, an alcoholic, has these drinking related health problems, Her Mom is not healthy and she works around alcohol all day. I have offered to help with the debts but she refuses all help.
She has very little self esteem and she says she is disappointed with her life. I consistently tell her she is beautiful and that I am proud of who she is. I am in this until the end no matter what and I am just lost at what my next step should be.
I am going to see her this Thursday and I am sure she will want to hang around the bar. I am going to attempt to get her away for a meal but I am not confident she will go. I am planning some other stuff just in case I can get her away from the bar, but she will probably want to go back later in the evening.
I feel that I am her last hope. If I fail, she will die and I know I will blame myself for not helping her when she needed me. There may be someone else that could help her, but at this point, I don?t know of anyone she has let get as close as I am.
I could keep writing because there is lots more I could say, but I will leave it there. I don?t want to say too much because I don?t know how she would feel knowing that I shared as much as I did.
Please help me if you can. I am going to try to bring this subject up slowly in the next few weeks and try not to be pushy.
I love her so much, please help me!
MP
I am going to give a little history first so this post may get long. But, I need help, so please bear with me and share your advice with me if you can. I have so many questions I don?t even know where to start.
I met this girl I will call Mary when I was 15. We dated for 3 years off and on and then we broke up and we lost touch for many years. She was my first love. I have thought about her many times throughout the years and she always occupied a special place in my heart. I am now 37 and she is 34. I found her on Facebook a few months ago and I decided to contact her. We texted back and forth a few times and I decided I wanted to stop in to where she works and say hi. She is a bartender. I just thought it would be two old friends chatting and I would see her every once in a while, but nothing more. The problem came when I saw her that first time, I immediately knew that I still loved her and that she is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I have dropped hints at how I feel but I have not told her everything yet, she has a lot on her plate already. We kissed once but nothing more. I stop in to see her about once a week and we text back and forth occasionally. Now comes the part I need help with.
She is an alcoholic. Reading back on her facebook, she has been hospitalized with pancreatitis and had many bouts with sickness from drinking too much. Her Mother is an alcoholic and has been her entire life and they are very close. A couple weeks ago we arranged a formal date. I had been trying without success for weeks to get her on a date. She asked me on this date, so I was really excited. Three days before the date she went to her Mother?s house. I think they drank all night but it wasn?t my business to ask so I never did. The next day I texted her and asked how she was and she said she was not good and she thought she would have to cancel our date. I texted her back several times but never got a response. The day after our date was planned, she texted me and said she was doing better but that she had been sick. I asked her if she was hung over and she said no, ?pancreas?. So, she had another bout with pancreatitis. She was just hospitalized for three days over new years for pancreatitis. I am really worried about her health.
After her last bout with pancreatitis, she stayed sober for 7 days. Then she got some bad health news about her cats, coupled with a lunch date with her Mom and she was drinking again.
Mary says that she thinks she will be dead before her Mom if she keeps drinking this way. Her Mom?s health is pretty bad and Mary don?t think she will live much longer. When I was talking to her about it, she was getting teary eyed and said she don?t know what she will do without her Mom. Then she said just talking about her made her want to do a shot and drink even more. I don?t want her to feel that way so I am unsure if I will push her to talk about these issues again. After our talk, she did thank me and said it helped to talk about it with me. She is a bartender and she is very social, but she doesn?t have anybody really close to talk to except her Mom. She is a very private person outside of work and I am finding it difficult getting close, although I am making progress slowly. I am patient and I will succeed in getting closer, I don?t doubt that. I just don?t know how to help her quit drinking. She said she wants to do treatment, but that she has too much on her plate right now.
Two days ago I went to the bar and had a few beers myself. I am a social drinker and before meeting her for the first time, hadn?t drank in 6 months. Now, I only drink when I am with her, but I keep it pretty light. Should I not drink when I am around her? I usually have 2 or 3 beers then switch to soda.
When I saw her two days ago, she left after work to get her hair cut because she was starting a new bartending job the next morning. I told her I would be in the area for a while if she wanted to hang out after she was finished. I left to get something to eat and she went to get her hair cut. She texted me an hour later and said she was going back to the bar to have one more and she invited me to join her. One more drink led to one more drink which led to just one more drink. Finally the bar was closing. She had planned to be in bed by 11PM and we left the bar at 130AM. She still had laundry to do and her nails. We went back to her place and she did her laundry. I stuck around until the laundry was done and left about 4AM. She had to be out of bed by 830AM. She made it to the new job ok and worked all day. After work, she went back to the bar and she was up until 430AM again that night. I saw her today and she said she was pretty tired.
Am I part of the problem here? I don?t want to think that I am because she did this before I was back in her life. Maybe I am just in denial mode though, please help me. When I see her, am I enabling or encouraging her by drinking a few beers myself? Should I avoid drinking alcohol when I am around her?
I have been reading some Bac stories and I think she would be open to trying it out. I just don?t know how to approach her about it yet. I am concerned that with all the added stresses in her life, coupled with where she works, it will make it more difficult.
The other concern for me is the SE?s. She is under a microscope at work and she can?t be forgetting drink orders or even how to make a certain drink. She works alone so there isn?t anyone else there to help her out if she needs it.
I love this Woman more than words can say. I know that I am embarking on an epic battle against alcohol that may last the rest of my life, but she is totally worth it.
I have read an article that say?s to set boundaries, confront them, do a formal intervention, practicing detachment, etc. The problem is that I am new to her life. I don?t yet know how she feels about me. I know that she likes me a lot, I can see it in her eyes. She said she has too much going on right now to concentrate on a relationship and I agree with her. I am afraid that the approach the article tells me to take will not work in my case. Losing her forever is unacceptable to me and I will not risk that. She don?t have any really close friends and those she is close to are alcoholics, except me.
She is deep in debt, an alcoholic, has these drinking related health problems, Her Mom is not healthy and she works around alcohol all day. I have offered to help with the debts but she refuses all help.
She has very little self esteem and she says she is disappointed with her life. I consistently tell her she is beautiful and that I am proud of who she is. I am in this until the end no matter what and I am just lost at what my next step should be.
I am going to see her this Thursday and I am sure she will want to hang around the bar. I am going to attempt to get her away for a meal but I am not confident she will go. I am planning some other stuff just in case I can get her away from the bar, but she will probably want to go back later in the evening.
I feel that I am her last hope. If I fail, she will die and I know I will blame myself for not helping her when she needed me. There may be someone else that could help her, but at this point, I don?t know of anyone she has let get as close as I am.
I could keep writing because there is lots more I could say, but I will leave it there. I don?t want to say too much because I don?t know how she would feel knowing that I shared as much as I did.
Please help me if you can. I am going to try to bring this subject up slowly in the next few weeks and try not to be pushy.
I love her so much, please help me!
MP
is strange and blind too,your rite on when you say she needs help,if she doesn't like to socialize, , this place and others like it on the net are a good start,detoxing can be difficult, should be done under supervision, depending on her with-drawl symptoms,she might even have to be hospitalized . you also said she doesn' t have to quit, there is moderation,or medications that can help. but she has to want to change, have to realize most people with this addiction, aren't very healthy,and there is hope, i wish you well
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