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[duchess]

My husband is an alcoholic. Is this why he cannot handle emotions/feelings? Things have not been going very well for me lately and I have been feeling quite overwhelmed with things. He cant handle it when I get upset and gets angry. It becomes all aboout him and my feelings get negated. Its too hot, too cold. too tired, etc and it really feels as though he doesnt care about how I am feeling. He just sits there and keeps on pouring the drink into his mouth. I feel as though I have no right to get upset, angry and I end up feeling guilty for having expressed ho w I feel. I hope somebody can understand what I am trying to say.

[Tui]

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Hi Duchess

I watched my Mum and Dad go through this so I know how you feel - its not only feeling like you don't matter though - its also fear. When your angry and fuelled with alcohol, its really scary for those around you. The only thing I learnt from AA is that you can't control someone elses drinking, they have to hit 'rock bottom' before they decide to claw their way back up.

Some of us come to that realisation sooner than others.

Decide what you want and try putting your needs first.

I know this is probably not a lot of help, but hang in there.

Tui

[surfer2]

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tui
i learned something very valuable from your reply
my dad was a terrible alcoholic and altho i wasn't physically abused i was ignored quite a bit,that would cause a response in me that i didn't matter or in adult language i was probably feeling worthless and that would definately lead to shame.
shame leads to low self-esteem and to a child this would be difficult to resolve.i also remember a phrase from my childhood"dad doesn't want to pay attention to me".he was drunk most of the time and probably only concerned with where his next drink was coming from.thank you for the insight.
in reply to duchess you have to let him clean up his own mess and take responsibility for his actions,you will not help him by being an enabler.i saw that happen with my mother.she became a nervous wreck trying to deal with the things my dad had done.

[Helensback]

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Hi Duchess

Do you have anyone around you who you can open up to and talk to them about how you feel?
Maybe that might help you feel less in need of your husband. Sounds like the alcohol has it's ugly hold on him. That's a tough one to get past. But it does sound like you do need to talk.
Do you want to tell us a bit more about it?
Like me, the majority of the people on this board are here because they're concerned about their own consumption of alcohol. But they often come from homes where it was abused.
Hopefully we can help you out. Keep posting.
Helen

[drunkinslayer500]

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Hi Duchess,
I hope everything is going well for you.
It sounds like me & your husband have (or had) something in commend.
I too was the type of drinker that drank and looked at the world (the people around me) and didn't care.
This in my opinion is the alcohol...
Its called a SPIRIT for a reason...
I always used to wonder why the signs of stores always said WINES & SPIRITS well now I know.
When i drank it was like a spirit had come into my body and possed me.
I know that this may sound silly but its true.
People are not the same when they drink, and if a person is drinking everyday then there REALLY messed up.
Trust me I know, I am that person, I think every alcoholic is.
The things that one does sober and the things they may do drunk is like night & day.
This is why I call alcohol a DEMON because it possesses your soul and makes you ugly.
The best thing to do in my option is to love him and try to understand.
Slowly try and talk to him about his drinking and maybe talk about getting some help.
The reason why i say slowly is because denial is a key factor with heavy drinkers.
Most people will not admit that they have a problem until its to late or close to it.
It really sucks to be where your at because there are no real quick fixes BUT if your willing to hang in there then there may be some hope.
The first thing if possible is to take him or get him to agree to see a doctor.
A doctor can give him a prescription of Chlordiazepoxide HCL which will take away any withdrawal symptoms.
The rest will be up to him.
But I believe that A little love never hurts to give, so it possible hang in there.
And the second thing is just pray pray and pray.
We all have a higher power thats there for a reason.
I hope that this situation works out for the best.
Please let us know how it all works out.

[lucky 2.0]

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Drunkenslayer,

Your avatar scares me.

But, I did read you post and will contemplate the Wine and Spirits comment. You may be onto something there.

[weemelonhead]

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Hi Duchess...my thoughts are totally with you and your husband. I have been on both sides of this situation myself and can empathize with both of you. You live with a seemingly selfish uncaring person who is making an unhappy time in marriage. he will more than likely (if my own experiences are anyhting to go by) feel terrible terrible guilt at what he is putting you through, and disgust at his own behaviour, but needs desperately to carry on with the drinking and so must, for his own sanity, try to turn the situation around to a negation of you and all outside influences to give him the 'reasons' he needs to carry on drinking with a slight lessening of guilt. I lived with an alcoholic violent stepfather and a tee total religious mother and suffered as you do with the feelings of lonliness and heartache every day, as someone whose problem was seemingly so simple (just don't drink...you're far nicer when you're sober) carried on with little thought for my poor mother, myself and my brother....As an adult...I am that selfish negative unreasonable sod who needs the booze so much that she would rather cause terrible hurt to all those close to her than stop (until yesterday) I too have turned both verbally and physically on my partner when he dares to question my intake or suggested that I get help....I have now decided to sort myself out and this is the ONLY way my problem will ever stop. This must be AGONY for you..you must feel helpless but I believe that your husbands attitude is moulded by the bottle not himself...most Alcoholics will, if they are honest, know that other people are soooo important to them...until they need a binge...and then the bottle dictates that everyone else can go stuff.....Please keep us posted...Feel free to contact me on my private message mail if you like...Knowing myself, I can only hope that your husband sees that he needs help before something really serious has to give And by the way...you have evry right to feel angry...I know this never helps a problem situation like this, but don't feel guilty...you are in this situation too. Your husband feels he needs to drink and expects that to be respected, you have a right to feel hurt and angry...just try not to let these emotions eat you up...keep yourself healthy...use them for excercise or something (said the woman to whom the word 'gym' is a swear word) Thoughts.........x