not intimate anymore and other stuff - long

[rebekah]

Hmm how do I start this??? About three weeks ago my boyfriend had a very large weekend. Now he drinks a lot every day but this was even worse. I didn't see him until sunday and by this stage he was rather worse for wear. By Sunday night he was feeling very unwell but it wasn't until a few days later that he told me he actually thought there was a possiblity that night that he wasn't going to make it. He did of course but ever since something has been nto quite right with him physically. He can't stomach food so well and even water seems to be rejected. Tried to take him to the hospital xmas eve as he was all shakey and was twitching down his left arm. What a disaster I mean I finally get him to go get some help and what do they do they leave us sitting there for over three hours while they see to everyone else including people that came in after us!!!!! they took a irine sample and blood pressure and said everything seemed ok (this was not part of the consultaion) so by this time he's like well I'm obviously not so sick and leaves before we get to see a doctor. So now of course he is reistant to go back. He did go to a doctor last week to get some blood tests as it didn't seem to be getting any better, still awaiting teh results. I think he has a stomach ulcer as he throws up a lot and has for many years (this is before my time but he suffers from bulemia as well) and takes nurofen like vitamins even on an empty stomach. I wonder about some doctors though, he admited he had a problem months ago, he went to the doctor to ask for some help, I wasn't there so don't know exactly what he told the doctor. The doctor took some blood tests, and gave him some valium to help him get to sleep, well I think that whole box went in a week and no the drinking didn't really stop though it did slow down. Then he goes back to get his blood tests and the doctors says they aren't anywhere near as bad as he thought, they could be better but not terrible. Then he told him that he'd be alright if he had a few drinks a week or whatever!!!!!!! Come on, they guy went in to say he has a drinking problem and wants help and the doctor tells him it's ok to keep drinking!!!!! Again I wasn't there so i don't know how honest my boyfriend was being with the doctor. Anyway I'm back tracking here sorry for all my rambling I guess I have a lot of frustration So basically since this large weekend things have been kinda weird, he almost broke it off with me as he says he doesn't want to put me through this that he needs to sort himself out on his own first (and I agree if that's what he needs to do then I'll support him in that) but we've talked about and it still may happen but not just yet, he says even if he wanted to he doesn't think he could go through with it I mean too much to him. I've ruined his life he says coming round and being all nice and wonderful, life was better when he was alone and depressed - he is only joking when he says this but I think there is some truth in at as now he truly cares about someone it's making him look at himself and he doesn't like what he sees. Anyway back to the story apart from one time (a week after) we haven't been intimate. I tried to talk to him about it a couple weeks ago but it was awkward for me, I'm trying hard not to take it personal but I can't help feeling like "is he not attracted to me anymore" or "is he trying to slowly move away from me" I mean he still wants me around and stuff but.... He said that he honestly doesn't feel well, that since that night it feels like something is broken inside. I want to talk to him about it again properly this time as it's really playing on my mind but he is going through a really hectic time right now, he has a massive assignment due what is the last and most important one he has to do for his course, he doesn't handle stress very well at all. I don't want to add to his stress levels at the moment but I can't get it out of my mind. I guess I should just leave it until after his done, I mean we've even agreed to not see each other for a month so he can get this done (he's already trying to break it but I'm going to be strong and enforce it, he gets lazy when I'm around:H ) It's really important he gets this done as he has said that getting the course done is his priority then he is gong to start trying to get his life back on track.

Thanks for listening guys, sorry it was so long :blush:

[Determinator]

not intimate anymore and other stuff - long

Rebekah, I'm no doctor but would guess he's severely dehydrated and could use vitamins. Also strong recommendation for acidophilis to rejouvenate his intestinal system. I too had some bizzare experiences with doctors and they said I was fine when I KNEW something was very wrong after some bad binging times. as a guy I can say that the intimacy issue is related to him feeling so crummy...that will chage when he's ready to moderate or abstain. it took me 8 years of marriage before I woke up and realized how selfish and stupid I was being. My dear wife stayed right there with me...she's definately a stubborn one hang in there...someday he'll see what a gem you are.

[rebekah]

not intimate anymore and other stuff - long

thanks determinator firstly for reading my veeeeeeery long post and secondly for your words. I've gotten him some of the supps, book and CD's from the MYO site, just waiting for them to arrive, I'm on Australia so that will take a couple weeks which is probably a good thing as the crazyness should have settled down by then and he'll be more receptive. Will try to just sit it out for the next couple weeks till things calm down then see how we go.

Bek

[C]

not intimate anymore and other stuff - long

Dear Rebekah,
Just happened on to this. Oh dear, I really think your boyfriend is an addict & knows it & is in real trouble. Unfortunately all your excellent suggestions will probably not get through to him. Ah...most likely ..will not. He needs professional treatment. You can watch over him, but he has to decide. Be careful. Sounds like you really care for him, but you may have to let the relationship go. Don't know where you are in Aust. but there are a lot Aussie MWO'ers, who may even be in your vicinity & may be of some help. Ck it out.

[irishlady]

not intimate anymore and other stuff - long

Rebekah, My heart goes out to you, but, I have to agree with Chrysalis when she says your boyfriend is an addict...It sounds to me as if he is in a very dark place at the moment, a place where you can't reach him...The decision now is yours...to stay...or to go....I would just like to say though, you could walk barefoot round the world for him, but unless HE wants to change...NOTHING will change...I'm sorry if that sounds cruel but I have to be honest, whatever you decide though I wish you happiness..

Take care of YOURSELF,

Love Louise xxx

[sammys]

not intimate anymore and other stuff - long

Rebekah I to wish you happiness, you do what is right for you. Emergency room Drs. or Walk-in clinic Drs. cannot fix a problem like this or even help with a problem like this. I have said it before the biggest lies we tell are the ones we tell ourselves. I think this applies to both of you. Be honest with yourself and you will feel better.

Do what you have to do, no one else will do it for you.
XXX000 all the best sammys

[rebekah]

not intimate anymore and other stuff - long

Thanks guys I apreciate your honesty
Unfortunately (don't they say ignorance is bliss) I am completey aware that he is an addict and believe me so is he, he warned me before we got together that he had a problem but I figured he was just over exaggerating, I don't think either of us believed we would fall for each other as hard as we did.
The question is now though is where do we go from here. I know that he does want to get control back in his life it's just finding the will power to do so. I'm not making excuses for him but he has had a lot of crap go on in his life including a horrible ex girlfriend who almost broke his spirit, so his will power is somewhat lacking. She totally screwed his already fragile/sensitive soul, I tell him that's why god sent him me cause I'm lovely :H he just laughs and says he thinks I'm right. He is in a limbo at the moment, he made a comment to me not long ago that he needs to get busy living or get busy dying he cannot simply stay where he is anymore. So far it appears he is working on the living as he has decided he needs to get a career (hence the studying) to have something for himself, something to make him feel he is doing something that means something in his life (a fwe too many somethings there I know), he's kinda just been floating for the last ten years or so.
I know that one day I may have to walk away as there is nothing I can do to fix him, he needs to decide to do this on his own. But while there is still hope in my heart I am not prepared to walk away. I can see inside him and see the truly amazing person he is and I will do everything in my power to support him through this... and yes even if that does mean eventually walking away. Don't mean to sound all airy fairy lol but I do believe I was brought into his life for a reason.

And I just want to say you guys are all amazing, I read the posts and I can't really put it into words but that well your amazing

[southernbelle47]

not intimate anymore and other stuff - long

Hi Rebekah,

I hope you will listen to what has been said to you on this site as if your life depends on it..because it does...and any children you may hope to ever have. These people have spoken truth to you and I'll do the same.

There is no way to sugar coat this truth. You can't change him.
As much as he says he wants to change, don't believe it until he proves it. This WILL take years.
There is a book I have that is the story of Mike and Julia Quarles lives. Mike was a addict (alcohol) . Look for this book on Amazon.com.
The title of the book is Freedom From Addiction by Neil T. Anderson.
The first half of the book is the Quarles story and the last half of it is information on how to find freedom.
Rebekah, Julia Quarles lived the life you are going to live if you stay in this relationship. She can give you first hand advice. Please read this book and then give it to your boyfriend. It just may save his life.
May God belss you and him as you look for help.
:h Nancy

[Saint Jude]

not intimate anymore and other stuff - long

Rebekah, My 2 cents worth... I thank God every day for second chances, and for finding someone who loves me... even after knowing how mean & difficult I can be, especially when drinking.(like I used to all too often)

I'm so thankful for finding this place. But if I didn't have the love & support of someone who still believed in me, when I was ready to give up... I probably never would have bothered to look for "yet one more way".

I hope the best for you both. I know it's a fine line, and a very tuff decision. You're both in my prayers :h

:l Judie

[rebekah]

not intimate anymore and other stuff - long

I know I must sound like I'm disregarding all the spot on advice given here but believe me I am taking it all to heart, it brings me to absolute tears. The thought of leaving him just tears me apart, maybe I'm just fooling myself and I'm just leading myself into a long path of heartache with nothing good to come out of it, believe me this is contantly on my mind and it scares the hell out of me. But as I wrote in another post I had my bipolar mother who after many many years of dealing with her disorder decided three years ago that it was all just too much and there was no longer anything else left to live for and OD on her prescription medicines. I know in my heart that if she had of had a strong partner by her side (something she used to talk about often) instead of the drop kick boyfriend that was a waste of space, she wouldn't have felt so desperately alone in this world knowing there was someone there to hold her hand through the fight. I know this is not exactly the same situation that I am dealing with but I do know that my boyfriend uses alcohol to self medicate the depression he also suffers. I know that if I choose to follow this path it is going to be very long, hard and painful. Maybe I'm completely deluded and what happened to my mum is affecting my judgement, or maybe just maybe that horrible experience has equipt me to deal with this situation, I have seen how dark and horrible life can be for some people. Many strange things came into play to bring my boyfriend and I together, my heart tells me it for a reason. Who Knows???? I will try get a copy of that book you mentioned Southernbelle, will see if I can get it here in OZ, I'm not overly religious and a know that my boyfriend is not at all but it does sound like someting that I should read.

Thank you all so much for your advice, your honest but kind words, as much as I may not like hearing them. It is greatly appreciated and all taken on board. You are all such strong and caring people I hope my boy can find the strength as you all have and continue to do before it's too late

Bek