Hi all,
so my boyfriend has a major drinking problem. We've been together for around 7 months now and I know this may sound cheesy but I know in my heart that we are meant for each other, we just work. No one has ever made me feel the way he does about myself, I've only had one other boyfriend which lasted almost 8 years (i'm almost 29 now) and although I loved him it wasn't till I met up with my new boyfriend that I felt how it was to be truly loved, it was like ahh so this is how it's meant to be. He's the first person that saw the real me and made me feel worth something. I'm so terrified of losing him as I can't see myself ever finding someone which whom I'll be able to have the same connection, now I know how good it can be everything else will fade in comparison.
Now when we first hooked up he told me from day one that he had a problem with drinking, he has always been honest with me on this front. From about 14 (he is now almost 29) he has battled depression and in in tring to numb himself to that some sort of addiction. He was a heroin addict at 14-17 but he beat that on his own, then he was a speed addict again beat it on his own, moved to pot and again beat it on his own but now alcohol is his demon and it doesn't want to let him go, or maybe its just that he has nothing left to move onto. I naively believed in the beginning that if he saw that life could be good and had a strong person by his side loving him he'd want to try beat this thing and in the beginning he did. Then a couple months ago things started to go wrong, life started to get quite stressful for him which is not smething he deals with well at all, he is doing a college course that is kinda make or break for him (at least in his eyes) and as the end has been drawing near he has been getting more and more stressed and turing to the bottle more and more. On top of that his body is starting to give out on him, no doubt due to the increased level of alcolhol being poured into it and it was excessive to begin with. He is really quite sick and instead of this making him think maybe he should do something about it, it has actually tuned the other way. He has convinced himself that he is done, his body is so wrecked that he may as well just give into it all, that there is no point in even trying, he has just given up. He has made comments recently that he doesn't want to try only to end up dying anyway. This is totally killing me, if only he could see the person I can see. He hates it when I get upset by it all and cry etc, tells me that it only makes it worse and makes him hate himself more, I in turn tell him I can't help the way I feel, he then says to me that it's all ok that he is fine with it all, he's had a good run. He is just so defeatist about it I wish I could shake him, it's not even negativity, it seems to have gone beyond that. I know that he is scared to try, scared to fail, scared to suceed. I know there is nothing I can do to fix him, he has to want to do it for himself. I had pretty much decided to myself that once the course finished in a couple weeks I would tell him I think we need a break as just sitting by and watching him knowingly kill himself is in turn killing me. The thought of being without him is unfathomable at this point in my life but I know that at this point I am not helping him or myself. We had a bad night last night though, in many ways it cemented to me that I need to leave for a while but I'm now also scared to. It seems that his dad layed into him about what he is doing with his life, I can't get the full story out of him so I don't know what was said, I don' think he remembers to tell you the truth but it could have been bad or it could have been not so bad, he was drunk and so very defensive and feeling like the whole world was against him. He even said to me later that night while he was still riled up that I'm either with him or with them and lost it at me because I said all I want for him is to be happy and healthy, he took that as my siding with them. I guess the things peole are saying to him are things he already knows but is trying to deny to himself and are therefore hitting a nerve??? So anyway back to him and his father, he had stormed out and came to see me, yes he drove drunk. It was heart breaking, he was shaking and crying and all I could do was hold him. He was hating everyone and everything around him and I was the only thing he felt he had. I was so scared for him. If he didn't have me to turn to at that point I honestly don't know of he would have made it through the night. Through it all he was still instistant that his life is no longer worth living and he is not going to stop. He was drunk so I know not quite rational but I spoke to him this morning and he is still adamant that he is done for. When I talk to him I try to tell him not so much what to do, as I know that will get nowhere, but about me and how I feel and how I feel about him. He did mention that maybe after he finishes his course he will feel much better and maybe his outlook on life won't be so bleak, I can only hope this will happen but I am not holding my breath.
So what do I do, do I pull my support as the last person he feels he can turn to and let him hit rock bottom and hope he decides that dying isnt such a great option? If I thought this is what would happen I'd do it in a second, the issue I have is what if I do pull my support and he hits rock bottom and doesn't make it through. I already lost my mother to suicide I couldn't bear to lose another loved on this way. Wheher it was true or not if I left and he died I would feel responsible and I don't think I could live with that. I know I can't fix him and I know I need to take care of myself, even contemplating leaving him is a massive step for me. Mostly I would rather be with him no matter how he is than not at all, but I know that is not healthy. I'm at a total loss at what to do. I know his folks are not gonna let up on this and I greatly fear that if he doesn't have someone there for him he may just throw it all in, I know that's what my mum did. She wasn't an alcoholic but Bipolar totally different I know but it was the total feeling of complete aloneness and no hope of escape from her miserbale existance that put her over the edge, her boyfriend was a loser and unable to give her what she so needed.
Anyway :thanks: for those of you who managed to get through my looooong post.
Bek
so my boyfriend has a major drinking problem. We've been together for around 7 months now and I know this may sound cheesy but I know in my heart that we are meant for each other, we just work. No one has ever made me feel the way he does about myself, I've only had one other boyfriend which lasted almost 8 years (i'm almost 29 now) and although I loved him it wasn't till I met up with my new boyfriend that I felt how it was to be truly loved, it was like ahh so this is how it's meant to be. He's the first person that saw the real me and made me feel worth something. I'm so terrified of losing him as I can't see myself ever finding someone which whom I'll be able to have the same connection, now I know how good it can be everything else will fade in comparison.
Now when we first hooked up he told me from day one that he had a problem with drinking, he has always been honest with me on this front. From about 14 (he is now almost 29) he has battled depression and in in tring to numb himself to that some sort of addiction. He was a heroin addict at 14-17 but he beat that on his own, then he was a speed addict again beat it on his own, moved to pot and again beat it on his own but now alcohol is his demon and it doesn't want to let him go, or maybe its just that he has nothing left to move onto. I naively believed in the beginning that if he saw that life could be good and had a strong person by his side loving him he'd want to try beat this thing and in the beginning he did. Then a couple months ago things started to go wrong, life started to get quite stressful for him which is not smething he deals with well at all, he is doing a college course that is kinda make or break for him (at least in his eyes) and as the end has been drawing near he has been getting more and more stressed and turing to the bottle more and more. On top of that his body is starting to give out on him, no doubt due to the increased level of alcolhol being poured into it and it was excessive to begin with. He is really quite sick and instead of this making him think maybe he should do something about it, it has actually tuned the other way. He has convinced himself that he is done, his body is so wrecked that he may as well just give into it all, that there is no point in even trying, he has just given up. He has made comments recently that he doesn't want to try only to end up dying anyway. This is totally killing me, if only he could see the person I can see. He hates it when I get upset by it all and cry etc, tells me that it only makes it worse and makes him hate himself more, I in turn tell him I can't help the way I feel, he then says to me that it's all ok that he is fine with it all, he's had a good run. He is just so defeatist about it I wish I could shake him, it's not even negativity, it seems to have gone beyond that. I know that he is scared to try, scared to fail, scared to suceed. I know there is nothing I can do to fix him, he has to want to do it for himself. I had pretty much decided to myself that once the course finished in a couple weeks I would tell him I think we need a break as just sitting by and watching him knowingly kill himself is in turn killing me. The thought of being without him is unfathomable at this point in my life but I know that at this point I am not helping him or myself. We had a bad night last night though, in many ways it cemented to me that I need to leave for a while but I'm now also scared to. It seems that his dad layed into him about what he is doing with his life, I can't get the full story out of him so I don't know what was said, I don' think he remembers to tell you the truth but it could have been bad or it could have been not so bad, he was drunk and so very defensive and feeling like the whole world was against him. He even said to me later that night while he was still riled up that I'm either with him or with them and lost it at me because I said all I want for him is to be happy and healthy, he took that as my siding with them. I guess the things peole are saying to him are things he already knows but is trying to deny to himself and are therefore hitting a nerve??? So anyway back to him and his father, he had stormed out and came to see me, yes he drove drunk. It was heart breaking, he was shaking and crying and all I could do was hold him. He was hating everyone and everything around him and I was the only thing he felt he had. I was so scared for him. If he didn't have me to turn to at that point I honestly don't know of he would have made it through the night. Through it all he was still instistant that his life is no longer worth living and he is not going to stop. He was drunk so I know not quite rational but I spoke to him this morning and he is still adamant that he is done for. When I talk to him I try to tell him not so much what to do, as I know that will get nowhere, but about me and how I feel and how I feel about him. He did mention that maybe after he finishes his course he will feel much better and maybe his outlook on life won't be so bleak, I can only hope this will happen but I am not holding my breath.
So what do I do, do I pull my support as the last person he feels he can turn to and let him hit rock bottom and hope he decides that dying isnt such a great option? If I thought this is what would happen I'd do it in a second, the issue I have is what if I do pull my support and he hits rock bottom and doesn't make it through. I already lost my mother to suicide I couldn't bear to lose another loved on this way. Wheher it was true or not if I left and he died I would feel responsible and I don't think I could live with that. I know I can't fix him and I know I need to take care of myself, even contemplating leaving him is a massive step for me. Mostly I would rather be with him no matter how he is than not at all, but I know that is not healthy. I'm at a total loss at what to do. I know his folks are not gonna let up on this and I greatly fear that if he doesn't have someone there for him he may just throw it all in, I know that's what my mum did. She wasn't an alcoholic but Bipolar totally different I know but it was the total feeling of complete aloneness and no hope of escape from her miserbale existance that put her over the edge, her boyfriend was a loser and unable to give her what she so needed.
Anyway :thanks: for those of you who managed to get through my looooong post.
Bek
Control the Mind
zwink:
This was in the pipeline before I ever came along but I'd hoped I could sway him to stay, I realise though that that is just selfish for me to totally disregard what he wants to do. So I told him to do that go and make himslf whole and I'll be here waiting for some feet sweeping and if he's nice I'll even move down with him as long as we have the option to move back one day. I think that really meant a lot to him. Maybe god was listening and is giving him a helping hand on the getting whole thing...
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