Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

I'm New...Need Advice

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    I'm New...Need Advice

    :new: I was engaged to the love of my life for a year, and everything seemed perfect. This man was everything I ever dreamed of, and made me happier than I had ever known. He said he felt the same about me. He showered me with candlelit, gourmet meals that he would cook and have waiting for me when I got home. He would bring flowers and wedding magazines home every week, and was wonderful to my two dogs. We ended up breeding our two labs and had a litter of 13 puppies, which was an experience of a lifetime to share together. Our wedding and our lives were planned, our families were all in favor of our marriage, and all was good. He was my soulmate - corny, but I now believe this can be possible.

    Our first date - he took me to the symphony, and I swear we fell in love that night. He picked me up and had a glass of wine in the car, one for each of us, to drink on the way. I hesitated, but thought it to be OK since I was nervous and figured so was he. What I never realized was that he ALWAYS had a glass of something to drink while driving or just relaxing at home. It took almost six months for me to realize that he was an alcoholic, and then I learned that he had been drinking for 13 years. He had even gone to rehab and a halfway house for six months after that, back when he was 18. (After having been to military school for high school due to bad behavior). He always made it sound like so long ago (he is 26 now) and that he regretted his past behavior - I never judged, and always saw the good qualities in him.

    As time progressed, and now living together, I found that he also had an addiction to pot, and prescription pills (any and all kinds). I talked to him about it and he admitted (after some arguments that made no sense to me) that he had a severe problem and thought he would die soon if he didn't get help. I told him I would help him however I could, and thought I did just that. I researched rehab and detox centers, made appts with counselors and interviewed them, removed liquor from the house, planned outings for us more often, and encouraged him as best I could.

    The day before our one-year anniversary of our engagement, he came home in a drunken rage after I begged him to be sober that night. He drove four hours from a business trip drunk and high - which makes me a nervous wreck. Well, something inside me snapped that night and I told him he needed to move out. I told him I wasn't breaking up with him, just that he needed to live on his own and get clean. The ultimatum was my idea of "tough love" but it backfired. He told me I abandoned him and that I have lost him forever. I haven't forgiven myself for what I did and can't, and even sought the help of a therapist for me - just because of the shock of it all. I cry all the time because I miss him terribly. I really love this man even though I know his issues were there way before I ever came along. I want him back. He hates me now, and says cruel things to me that I cannot imagine are his true feelings.

    So, that's my epic novel. There's more, but I wanted to throw it out there so you had the facts. Please tell me your thoughts on my actions, his behavior, and what to do. Thanks so much:thanks:

    #2
    I'm New...Need Advice

    In my humble opinion there isn't a simple answer to this. You aren't going to be able to fix him, he is the only one who can make the decision to help himself and while he may have truly felt that you abandoned him, that's really just part of the mess that he's in too. If you can't do it for him, but aren't free to let him fall on his own two feet, what are you to do? It's an impossible situation. The only person that you can help is you! I would suggest therapy for you. I don't have time right now for a very thorough answer, because I am at work, but I just couldn't ignore this post. I can tell that you are reaching out for help and you really want to help the man that you love. Unfortunately, the best way that you can help him, in my opinon is to help yourself in coming to grips with the fact that it's not something that you have any control over and the consequenses of that in your life and then deciding if you are willing to live with those consequenses.

    Big hugs!
    --
    "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
    -- Oliver Wendell Holmes

    Comment


      #3
      I'm New...Need Advice

      Hi there...you poor old chick, this must be really tough on you when you have been trying so hard.............

      ..........With a problem that is not yours!

      This may sound heartless, as I read that your feelings for this man are sooo strong...but i write this as a sober alcoholic who has been in a relationship where she was the love of someones life, and I behaved as your partner did.....sweetie, if this guy is like me, he needs to hurt you with mean stuff....not because he hates you, but because you, and your 'abandonment' of him, are now some more good reasons that he can keep on drinking...and believe me, addicts need all the reasons they can get...otherwise, if there were no 'reasons'....we might have to quit our addictions now wouldn't we...and we can't face that.......

      Whatever you do will be for nothing really, unless this guy has decided that HE wants to quit, and then he will welcome your love and understanding BIG time.......he may love you terribly, but unfortunately, when you are an addict, your number one love is always your substance of choice...I have done terrible, terrible things to my family, whom I love very much, however, the love was NEVER enough, until I made the decision myself, based on me....very few people EVER give up for someone else if they are truly honest....and if they do...it will be that other person they then blame if the attempt goes pear shaped...

      My heart goes out to you, I know what living with an addict can be like because I am one, and the only advice I can give based on my experiences is to carry on the way you are....let your man know that you are there for him if you feel that you have the strength to see this through...but do NOT carry his burdens, being supportive means exactly that...support......not 'doing it all for him'...this is REALLY hard I know, but there is no other way I don't think......I realise that this must sound negative, but I want to be realistic, but also, can only offer advice based on my own situation.....I hope you can find some way to resolve this that soothes your very obvious pain my dear......Like I said, when he has made the decision, support like that you have already offered will be invaluable to him........take care....xxx Weemelon

      Comment


        #4
        I'm New...Need Advice

        sjpasme.
        Dear girl, my heart indeed hurts hugely for you. I am in a similar situation - although I am also an addict. During the time I was with my boyfriend my addiction had opportunity to flourish. I tried and stopped for a couple of three month periods - but I always allowed my addiction and his influence to get me drinking again. He has been in treatment for cocaine and claimed that alcohol was at least a legal vice.

        Until December when I truly ended it - I told him that he loved alcohol more than he loved me and so I wouldn't get in the way of that relationship. I guess it surprised him because he is 30 days AF now and I am 31 days. I have told him we cannot have a relationship with alcohol in it. I am determined but nervous - He has come to this site at my direction I bought the Cds and we are both using them.

        Your case is different because you don't have a problem - but if you do wish to be involved with him - you can never drink again either. This part is crucial. It cannot be just not drinking when he is around - it must be never. If you see him and he brings wine - refuse it and ask that he not drink in your presence.

        You are right to come here and you are very strong.
        Rivergirl

        Comment


          #5
          I'm New...Need Advice

          Thank you all for your posts. I just feel that there is so much more to life than just focusing on teh addiction - he is a wonderful guy in so many ways, and if that means no drinking for e ever again, I can do that easily. I am not much of a drinker in the first place. If it means going to AA or counseling with him, that's fine too. I would do anything for him, as long as it wasn't enabling him to drink again. I just don't understand why it is that he seems to be happier alone without me, and wants me to go away forever. Doesn't he remember how happy we were, and why he asked to marry me in the first place? He has said things now to the effect that he was never happy with me, didn't love me anymore, and was miserable with me. But his actions and words then showed otherwise. I feel like I am losing it sometimes, when I try to decipher the mixed messages. On NYE, he text messaged me and said he still loved me. When I contacted him and said the same, he said never mind and to leave him alone because he was seeing someone else - which I don't think is true. Now the pain is fresh again, after having tried to move on. I have been told that his family did an intervention last month, and that he called his sponsor and admitted powerlessness. I know that is a big step, and I am thrilled to hear it. However, I am also told he is still drinking and doing drugs. I know it isn' a simple situation, but I want to understand if he really hates me, and if he loved me only when he was drunk, or what.

          Comment


            #6
            I'm New...Need Advice

            I have to echo what weemelon said....if you have an addiction you will use anything as an excuse to fuel it. Believe me iv done the same with my ex...as long as you can blame someone/thing for your drinking or addictions it almost gives you free reign to carry on doing it. I know that the only person i can stop for is myself cause as melon said...if your attempts to stop fail then you will always blame the person you are trying to give up for.
            I truly feel for you and i hope you can sort this out..i do believe he loved and still does love you but is probably scared as giving up your addictions is soooo scary, its something you have used as a crutch for years to avoid reality and your problems...and when you stop its like a huge slap in the face as all these things you've been hiding from for years have to be addressed...its hard to suddenly have to face reality after being out of it for years.
            I wish you all the best...keep posting, were a friendly bunch

            Loves and best

            Lou-Lou
            "Every passing minute is a chance to turn it all around"...Penelope Cruz...Vanilla Sky

            Comment


              #7
              I'm New...Need Advice

              sjpasme,
              He loves you, now and then. An intervention does confuse things in his mind. Perhaps he has been told to stay away from anyone he used to drink with - perhaps he associates the good times you had with the alcohol HE brought into the situation. IF he is trying to come clean then they often tell folks to stay out of relationships for one year until they have established some sobriety. I am only hypothesizing here. An intervention is a confusing thing - He has been given information he does not want and is now very conflicted.

              It may be that you could express support as a friend and say that you care enough for him to be only a friend if that would help him.... can you talk to his family - you had met them? Maybe they could give you some insight. I have also heard that Alanon is useful for providing support to people in your situation.

              Most importantly my dear - as all here have said - DO not beat yourself up for this - God has a reason for this experience in your life. The more pain an experience causes the more we can learn from it and the greater the purpose God has for it.

              :h Our hearts are with you,
              Rivergirl

              Comment


                #8
                I'm New...Need Advice

                Hi sjpasme,

                I must admit I don't really have anything to add here, all the previous comments are spot on and coming from those who have more insite than I do. I just wanted to add my comment as so much of what you have said in your post rings true in my life right now (even the dog thing) except I haven't left my boyfriend. I know though if I did do what you have done I think it would be ok as we have talked about giving him some space to work out his issues, he actually is the type of guy that wants to sort things out for himself on his own as much as possible. I on the other hand am always scared of losing him, either by death or him leaving as he thinks I'd be better off. We've just had a big scare in regards to his life and I think I light bulb has gone off in his head (I'm praying it sticks). Your post makes my heart ache. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I do believe that some things happen for a reason, we need something big to jolt us back onto the path to happiness we have somehow wandered off, if it wasn't a big jolt we'd easily wander back to that path that was leading to not such a nice place. You know the old saying if it's meant to be, it's meant to be and nothing will get in the way, well that's what I keep telling myself through this hard time I'm having. Some days are good some are not so good but deep down I know that I am a good person and though the path may prove painful at times things WILL work out in the end.

                Take care, keep posting, on those few occations when it has felt really overwhelming it has made me feel so much better. The guys here are a fabulous and totally inspiring bunch

                Bek

                Comment


                  #9
                  I'm New...Need Advice

                  Thank you eveyone!

                  Thank you all for your posts - I cannot tell you how nice it was to come home tonight and read them all. It was comforting and insightful. It was also nice to hear that other people think he still cares for me even though I am not hearing it from him. And that I am not a rotten person for asking him to move out.

                  Here's more of the story...(I'll try to be brief). His family has money, and uses that as a way to "save" him from himself, instead of having taught him responsibility, etc. When he did move out, they furnished his new house lavishly and found him a home that is located behind a bar. Not exactly rock bottom.

                  His grandmother was my favorite, and she and I were very close, I thought. I called her two or three times after the break up and asked her advice. She told me she thought he was using other drugs besides pot and alcohol, and that his new job in commercial real estate was probably where he was getting it (cocaine as it turns out). His boss does it with him. She asked why I would want to start a family with him being in that condition. I told her I couldn't, but if he got help and even tried to stay on track, he would make a wonderful parent. He is wonderful with my friends' children. He would spoil them when they stayed over or if it was someone's birthday. He was amazing in that sense. (I know having one's own children is quite different, so maybe I am romanticizing how things would be...)

                  Anyway, his whole family has written me off completely and hasn't called once to see how I am doing. I know he is their son and I am no longer family, maybe never was, but it really hurts. My mom painted a beautiful portrait of him for his birthday, which touched him so much he cried. My stepdad carved a duck decoy for him, which was also very personal - he thought of him like his own son. It has hurt my family immensely to think that he never wants to see or talk to them again. As much pain as he has caused me now, they still love him too. They reached out to him several times - and he either ignored them or was terribly rude.

                  I have learned that in his family's case and compared to my own - money does not buy character. :H I also have learned patience, because I should have had more with him, even though his behavior would have escalated regardless. Lastly, I have learned that I cannot trust anyone who says he loves me again - and that sucks, frankly. I say this because the one guy that I just knew would never hurt me has ended up being the most dangerous of all. I have an entire box of love letters, poetry, photos, and roses that he had given me, all promising forever. And of course, a beautiful diamond ring that promised forever as well. Now it all sits in a box in the closet, because it pains me to see any of it.

                  Anyway, I keep toying with the idea of writing him a letter saying everything so he can refer back to it when he gets sober, realizing that I am there for him and never stopped caring, etc. I am also afraid that he has forgotten our history and a lot of our relationship, so the letter will help him remember...? The other part of me says to just let it be...

                  Comment


                    #10
                    I'm New...Need Advice

                    spjasme,
                    Two things jump out at me from your last post.

                    1) That his family has written you off. This a classic case of "hide the family shame" You say they have money - this oh so typical of moneyed. addicted families.

                    2) That you can never trust anyone who says they love you again. Dear girl - You can but unfortunately not a using addict/alcoholic. How do you know in the early stages? Say you don't drink - see their reaction - if they are alcoholic and using they want someone to use with them - someone that will tolerate the addiction - they will overwhelm you with love and favors as a smoke screen for their addiction. Te easy test is just to say you don't drink and this will tell you very soon if they are genuine.

                    You are a dear a wonderful and loveable girl - very clear from your letters - tell yourself every morning that you are a wonderful and loveable woman several times a day!

                    Hugs, Rivergirl

                    Comment


                      #11
                      I'm New...Need Advice

                      Hi sweetheart! I am so sorry that you are going through all this. I know right now it feels right to say that you will never be able to trust anyone who says that they love you again. I hope that isn't true. There really are some honest loving people out there, sometimes you just have to kiss a few frogs to get there. You deserve better than you are getting and you shouldn't settle for less than that. It appears that you are seeing that.

                      The best advise that I could give you right now is to stop focusing on your ex-fiance. He has some work to do on his own and if his family wants to bail him out and keep him from realizing the depth of the responsiblity that holds, then that is the choice that they are allowed to make, regardless of how wise or unwise that may be. The most important thing that you can do now, is focus on you. Find out what it is about you that found a relationship with an addict so fulfulling. There's always something. Trust me, I'm not only an addict, but have spent quite some time being addicted to addicts as well. There's something fullfilling about picking people up, but you will find that it usually brings you down when you get as involved as you have. Spend some time looking within instead of reaching out for awhile. It may feel selfish, especially if you let people like your ex convince you that it is...it is NOT! The only way to have a healthy relationship, is to start out as a healthy individual. The only way to be a healthy individual is to take some time and gift it to yourself -- truly a VERY deserving person!
                      --
                      "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
                      -- Oliver Wendell Holmes

                      Comment


                        #12
                        I'm New...Need Advice

                        I believe now that all of his gestures were, in part, to cover up his addiction. He did say that he liked his wine when we first met, but that did not signal concern the way he said it. I just wish I could go back to who I was before I met him, but now I feel completely broken. I have managed to pick up the pieces, thanks to a big support system of friends and family, and I do have a therapist. The therapist said he sees nothing wrong with me, no codepency or anything, just that I was lied to by somebody I loved. Not much I can do with him except continue along with the grieving process. Now my only hope I that that my ex will get to step 8 where he has to make amends with those that he hurt - maybe then I'll get an explanation for the hurtful things he has said and done. I am focusing on my real estate career now, but it's hard to bee 100% content now that I know what it's like to share my life with him and have him disappear out of it now. I'm very independent and always have been, it just hurts to have lost the love of my life. I have been married before as well, but it never felt like this. I'm 35, so I am old enough to know who I am and what I want, it just sucks that I was already involved with this man before I knew the truth.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          I'm New...Need Advice

                          Hi sjpasme.
                          I have been following your story for a while. I didn't like to say what I thought, as you might not have liked it.
                          Your therapist is right. There is nothing wrong with you. Your 'tough love' was I feel, the correct way to try and help your partner. I don't think that he has any intention of wanting to help himself just yet.
                          Like others have said before me, the addict in us is a very defensive and destructive person. Cruel words come easily. From experience I can say that I have never meant anything that I have said to my wife while I was in the throes of a drinken tirade. When I was told about what I had said, I was always ashamed. That is one of the reasons that I decided that I had to do something about it.
                          Your boyfriend on the other hand, seems to be showing no remorse about treating you so badly. His multiple addictions are more important to him than you are. It is sad, but, to me, that is the way it looks.
                          I think that you would be happier in the short and long term if you let it go. Things might change in time, or they might not. Please try and be good to yourself.
                          I am sorry if I have offended you.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            I'm New...Need Advice

                            Hello, My name is debbie I live in manchester in the uk, I am involved in a relationship with a serious drinker, I am struggling with it at the moment because just before christmas he was actually doing really well but with christmas new year and the winter blues he has taken to the bottle again, his choice of poison is what we have here in the uk Tennants super lager 9% 4.5 units per can, it is increasing worrying what this stuff does to his mind, he is displaying immense signs of confusion and health problems relating to this, he has had a few seizures in the past six months and these are also woorying as he is a bricklayer and has had a couple at work, just asking for some advice and support?

                            Comment


                              #15
                              I'm New...Need Advice

                              Hi Debbie and Welcome
                              I am glad that you are here and I am sure that there will be some that will follow me that can give more profound feedback. Does your partner have an understanding or desire to decrease the amount of alcohol he is drinking? Seizures are very scary and are a sign of the late stages of alcoholism and need medical attention. Is there any way you can persuade him to see a doctor?
                              Take Care
                              Beaches
                              "Keep your eyes and heart focused on the end goal at all times, and never settle for less."

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X