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[tired]

My husband has been on the program for about a month now. He started out with great intentions and a positive attitude with plans to abstain from alcohol for 30 days and then go to mods. In fact he gave me his word that this would be his number one priority. Well just like all the other promises he has made to me he has found selfish reasons to not follow through. Although he is taking his supplements and topa I feel that it is only because I organize his medication for him and remind him to take them. He started his hypno cd's which I ordered at his request but again I am the one that has read all the info and broke down the program for him on a calendar. When I ask him if he is going to listen to them he rolls his eyes at me and acts as though he is doing me a great favor if he complies. I feel like I am dealing with a rebellious teenager. We have two children 4 years old and 5 months old and I am tired of being in a parent child relationship with my husband. I feel that I have so much invested in this marriage and I don't want to give up, but I wonder if I am fooling myself and fighting this battle alone. How do you continue supporting and loving someone who so freely lies and breaks commitment to you? I will do anything to help my husband in recovery but I need to keep my integrity and self worth intact. I'm a nervous reck and always walking on egg shells, I just wonder if an alcoholic can ever truley empathise with there partners. Is there a pill for selfishness? Sorry for ramblng but I need some strength to carry on.

[weemelonhead]

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Hi Tired...and welcome

Your story is typical I'm afraid of anyone who lives with an alcoholic. I know....I AM one, but a sober one now....The more my partner, or anyone else tried to help, the more I would retreat into a cave, snapping and snarling, and trying to justify the reasons I still had to keep drinking, regardless of how this affected anyone else in my world.
Because of the nature of this addiction, alcoholics can seem like VERY selfish people, but i found that the bottom line was, if I listened to all their well meaning advice, it made sense, I KNEW it made sense, but to admit that would mean that I would have to stop drinking....and there was NO way that I could ever imagine life without my crutch...just NO way.
Until your husband decides that he really wants to do this for himself...this is going to be VERY hard work, and although you are trying to offer support, this is often taken as meddling or babying by alcoholics, and met with GREAT resistance......nobody likes to be told what they have to do...least of all anyone with a drink problem.
My heart goes out to anyone who lives with someone like I was...and I often wonder why anyone stays ....
I don't think that there is a helpful 'answer' to your problem my dear, but I would perhaps try to step back a little and see how your husband gets on with his new regime without your help. He needs to take responsibility for his own healing...this is the MOST important thing I feel when starting out on a succesful recovery program.
However, where does this leave you??? It must be agony to live with someone who appears to making little attempt to sort out a problem that causes so much heartache to you, and your children....the three people he should love the most. I cannot offer any advice on this...I agree that your support will be invaluable to your husband, but remember that that is what your help should be, just support...not taking charge of all aspects of his program....or who is he going to blame if things go pear shaped?????? If he's anything like me ...it will be anyone and anything apart from himself.....

Much love to you Tired...keep posting and read the rest of the boards, it may help, if your husband is on the program, does he read the information here???????? It is quite often a big part of success, the support and advice

[IAD]

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Tired, welcome.

Well said WEEMELONHEAD. It's hard enough to keep yourself on the straight and narrow when you want to stop. When your not totaly committed it's impossible! He has to make a full committment to quitting or moderation. Have him read some of these Threads, might find someone with the same situation that he's in. IAD....... Wellcome!

[tired]

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Thanks

Thank you for your responses. It feels good just typing my feelings and receiving some validation. I know that I am not alone. As scary as it is for me I know that I need to give this burden back to my husband and pray that he makes a change. In the meantime I am going to focus on myself and my children. Thank you for your kind words it meant alot to me.

[lushy]

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Tired, I totally agree with what Wee said. We drinkers tend to get VERY defensive, especially when deep down we are not sure we want to quit, or even have it in us to quit. I feel for you. Best of luck. If your hubby found this site them maybe you could ask him to start participating around here, or at least reading the boards. I know reading others success stories have helped me get some alcohol free days in during the week which is something I would have never considered even a year ago.

[FairyAcid]

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Welcome tired
Weemelonhead is very very right. I think the only way you can help your husbant is to try to make him understand that all the help you give him is because you care, you don't want to make his life difficult, but make it nice. He has a problem and he must admit it and start worrying about it, and start feeling that he must help himself. It is a very difficult path and he must understand it. You have 2 children to take care off, you don't want a third and grown up one! Try not to take care for his medicine program but to make him taking care for his own program..I don't know if this is a right way, i'm trying this whith my mother..
Take courage from the forum, it has plenty, and don't be dissapointed, it is a haard situation.

I hope soon you will change your nickname