I dont know what to do

[valkyrie]

:new:

Hi there,

I really have no idea how to approach my dads drinking problem.

Over the last few years my dad has begun to drink more heavily than usual. The last 12 months have been even worse. I've been finding half empty bottles hidden around the house. Not just put down in a different place, but hidden in boxes or behind things on shelves and in cupboards. I have removed these in the past and waited to get a reaction but theres nothing. I've told and shown my mum, but when she confronts him about what I find he says that I'm lying and makes a right stink about it.

My biggest concern is my 2 year old nephew. My dad looks after him a couple of days a week and I've come home to him swaying and slurring whilst my nephew is in his care. I even suspect that he's drinking and driving.

I don't feel strong enough to tackle this on my own, my brother will go nuts if I speak to him about it. My sister doesn't live at home so I have confided in her but as she's not around I don't think she fully understands. My mum just shouts and I think she makes it worse. Their relationship has been strained for a long time now.

Does anyone have anything that may help. I could really use some advice if anyone has gone through something similar. I love my family and feel like this needs to stop now before it tears us apart.

:thanks:

Added:

I'm actually 27 and my partner lives with me at my parents. Because he isn't a "proper" part of the family yet he just listens to me while I get things off my chest but doesn't feel he is in a position to involve himself, except to support me.

Yes my brother is my nephew's dad, and to make matters worse he's a police officer!

We live in such a small community, there isn't really a widely available network of support. Plus everybody knows everybody, so to try and search locally is bound to stir up some gossip. It's not very much of an alcoholics 'anonymous' around here!

[weemelonhead]

I dont know what to do

Oh Valkyrie sweetie this is a biggie for you to try to be tackling on your own....
I suspect that your mum has EVERY idea about exactly what your dad does, she has just either given up talking about it with him, or has chosen to ignore it as she is like you, and cannot see any solution to the problem....

You don't say how old you are in your post....are you still at school?? You seem to be carrying a lot of worry on your shoulders dear, and this is NOT healthy for you at any age, let alone in someone who may still be at the age where THEY should be being looked after.

Have you tried contacting any organisations in your area that support the families of alcoholics? If your own family cannot listen to you, you NEED someone who will, and may be able to offer practical advice to help you lose some of the burden...They always say that an alcoholics problems are their own, and that others should not clear up after them, as the they really don't see the extent of the damage that their lifestyle is doing to others...however, this is not always easy...especially in situations like the one you talk about with your nephew...this is NOT good ....my step father used to be left with me and my brother when my mum went to church in the evenings, and he would get slaughtered, and then not even remember that we were around....we had some hairy moments I can tell you......Is this your sisters child? Is she aware of the state that your dad is in when he is supposed to be caring for her son??

Sweetie...you have too much going on....you need to get outside help...for YOU...this cannot be the way you should be living.....get in touch with AA, they will know where your nearest support group will be, or look in the directory...there may be other things on offer...DON'T do this on your own.....

Ah yes... and also....come here WHENEVER you like...we may not be able to offer practical help, but we'll give whatever we can...
Take care dear
Much love...Weemelon xx

[AAthlete]

I dont know what to do

I truly feel sorry for you, and your situation is one of the reasons I decided to quit drinking - I never want my son to have to write an email like this.

I would strongly suggest that you and your Mom go see a counselertherapistschool counselar who can help you deal with the situation in a rational way (Al-Anon may also be a good option - they can help you deal with his drinking and put you in touch with some good resources). As you've noticed, screaming and yelling don't help - in fact they make it worse. Only your Dad can stop his drinking - no amount of badgering on you or your Mom's part will change that.

An equally big concern would be the safety and well-being of your nephew. It is paramount that his safety be put first. Your Dad is putting him at serious risk simply watching him when drunk - let alone driving. A two-year old can get into a dangerous situation at a moment's notice and it sounds like your Dad would be in no position to help.

IT DOES NOT fall upon you to inform your nephews parents - you Mom should be the one to do that. Best of luck - my heart aches for you and your family.

[lushy]

I dont know what to do

I just wanted to say you are a very brave person to reach out like this and my heart aches for you as well. I agree with the advice given here. Keep us updated on your situation okay?

[dilayne]

I dont know what to do

Hi Valky, I can't say anything that the other's have said here except to encourage you to find an alanon group, or a counselor, priest or someone that you can go to to help support you through this. Please continue to post here, I'm sure you'll get some suggestions. The only other suggestion is to try to find a way to let your mom and dad know that you love them, and that you want the best for them..and that you care about your nephew..I'm assuming that your brother is your nephew's father? If you mean that he'll go nuts in an innappropriate way, I understand, but perhaps once you find some support, a counselor, or someone with some experience with alcoholism, that that person can be with you when you want to discuss it with your brother..that person may be a good buffer between your brother and your father..your brother needs to know that shaming and blaming your father won't be effective, that your father is sick and needs to be approached sensitively.
Best of luck dear!
Dianne

[nancy]

I dont know what to do

your mom and sister

This is a tough email. Obviously we don't know how old you are.

I agree that this is not your responsibility. however if a child is involved i can see why you are worried.

most women have a strong maternal instinct. does your mother have one for your nephew? and what about your nephew's mother? where is she?

[betty boop]

I dont know what to do

Hi Love,

In my family it is me with the drink problem .... What really helped me was when my family told me how I made them feel. Can you talk to your dad when he is sober?

Just hang in there love, I don't envy you.

Much love & hugs coming your way xx

[YoungAtHeart]

I dont know what to do

A Little Radical, But....

This would definitely cause a big ruckus in your family, but you can anonymously call Child Protective Services in your county, and the minimum that they would do would be to come out and investigate the situation. Your dad might be hopping mad, but it might be a wake up call for him too. Like I said, this is something that you can do completely anonymously. Protective Services would be listed under the Department of Social Services. At any rate, it is just a suggestion if you feel that you want to do something this intense.

Good luck, Valkyrie!

Kathy