supporting a family member

[green]

I am hoping you all can help me with this. My husband's brother revealed to him that he is an alcoholic and is seeking treatment. I would like to support him by not drinking around him (most of his family are social drinkers), but my husband feels that this would be coddling him. He feels that his brother will have to face this hardship (being around drinkers) for the rest of his life and we would be the best people to be around to help him through not drinking while others are drinking. I say this is needless temptation and downright cruel. I just thought all of you who have been through this could give me some insight into this. Thank you!

[Accountable for Me]

supporting a family member

Hi green and welcome! Your husband is right in some ways. Unfortunately drinking is a very accepted thing and you pretty well can't go anywhere without facing someone drinking alcohol.

On the other side of things however, my family drinks around me. This makes me feel kind of like an outcast and not supported. In the beginning it really hurt me that people would judge me for drinking and tell me I shouldn't but then they go right ahead and drink in front of me. I realize though this is something that I will have to accept and ultimately I decided to quit for my own well being.

It is a catch 22 really. We feel people should be supportive and not drink around us but it isn't fair for the people without the problem either. There really is no right or wrong here. The only thing I could suggest is for you to show your support and not drink around him while he gets use to being in a social situation without drinking.

[Bean]

supporting a family member

Hi

At the end of last year I went AF for about 2 weeks and then my sister came to stay. She drinks every day and told me how proud she was of me for giving up while cracking open some wine. I resisted for about an hour and then went to the shop and bought some. Guess who then stayed up late, had far too much and felt like hell the next day?? Your husband has a point but on the other hand, giving up booze is very hard to do and any support is helpful. At the end of the day, only the brother can have the determination in himself to not drink but I'm sure it would help him (especially in the initial stages) for people around him not to be drinking either. It helps to minimise the importance of alcohol to spend good times with family and friends where drinking is not involved.
Perhaps you can follow what you feel to be right and not drink when you are with him and your husband can follow his way and drink....and/or maybe you can ask his brother how he would like things to be when you are together?

Hope he manages to sort himself out - you sound like a really thoughtful person and I think he would appreciate knowing you are prepared to support him in that way.
Best wishes
Bean x

[Determinatrix]

supporting a family member

Determinator has the initial goal of 90 days and I explained that I would do the 90 days with him. I thought it would be helpful not to have the smell of alcohol on me. There is a lot of social issues to resolve: what do you say to folks about why you are not drinking? what about those that insist on handing you a drink? etc. It was a unified front. After all these years, I know that regardless of what I do, Determinator will do whatever he chooses. I have no impact if he does not make his own choice. We find it far more creative to find something non-alcholic to drink at a drinking gathering! Made a little game of it. Good Luck! And thank you for wanting to support someone with this complicated issue. Dx

[ItsaNewDay]

supporting a family member

As someone who normally doesn't drink and doesn't like drinking most alcoholic bevs, even I have felt pressured about not drinking. My husband always liked to hang around people that enjoyed drinking (it's easier to blend in for him...) so I have developed a plan to avoid detection of my non-drinking habits so people will quit trying to shove drinks down me. There are just some people that are not happy until everyone at the party is drinking... When not wanting to make a scene I just get a glass of Cranberry juice or some other popular mixer where people can't tell by looking if it has alcohol or not. No explanations necessary then.

I feel, initially at least - when the cravings are the strongest - it's a good idea to stay away from people that are that insistant on others joining in. At minimum 30 days, but more like 90.

I think it does help to at least see another soul in the room that's not drinking, so if you have the courage - be that one (it's always good to know that you have support).

I think you're wonderful to want to support him in the effort!

[angellina]

supporting a family member

I understand both sides of the argument, but for me, as a drinker of alcohol, I am glad my husband doesn't drink because when I first went AF I could have killed for a drink, even now at 16 days I stil have some cravings and if he ws a drinker I would have caved in by now and started again.

I had a target of 30 days AF but now feel I may have to do 60 days before trying to moderate, I hope this helps, from the person with a problem's point of view.
You are a very considerate person.

[southernbelle47]

supporting a family member

The ONE thing that I have not been able to do:

Be around a person who is drinking and not have one....

Been seriously working on this over a year...

I just stay away from family when they are drinking if I can...it hurts to have to do that and I feel left out....

[louise]

supporting a family member

As a drinker trying to quit, it is really helpful not to have the temptation. Eventually your husband is right, but it would probably be very helpful to your brother in law to have others join him in drinking non-alcoholic beverages for a while until it is not what he is thinking about all the time. Even if just you do it, it gives him a model of 1 person who can have a good time socializing without the booze.