new member

[jcraft]

Hi all,

I just found out that the woman I have been dating for a year has a drinking problem. When she has a drink, which might not be for several days or even a week, she likes to have more than one.. leading to several more and she is drunk.

On the other hand, she can go days or weeks without any drink at all. And I have been with her when she has only one beer. No problem; never noticed anything at all.
Then I saw certain signs that led me to believe there were times she would drink more... several drinks, etc.

So she admitted the problem, which is great, and now we have to get a plan of action. My thought is to not have a single drop; and that stops the reason to have a second drink. but of course that is naive in that it's that first one that is so tempting for her. But she agrees she can't pretend to be able to have just one; although that is often the case'; it's those times that she can't have just one that cause the problem.

anyone have any insight for me? I have the personal issue of not wanting to get too bogged down in this because I am trying to work out some personal things of my own that take a lot of my energy; yet I want to support her as best I can.
I also have the thought that I was given a 'false' view of her at the beginning; lied to; so I am not sure about the person; it's not the person I thought.

ANyway.. thanks for letting me vent a bit..

[ducky]

new member

Jcraft, my one caution is to make sure she is ready to change. If she is trying to change just to please you, it will not work. It is great that you have spoken with her about it and you certainly have the right to set parameters that you find acceptable, but she needs to be the one to drive the plan.

Welcome and keep posting. I am rather new here and am sure others will have wise advice for you!:welcome:

[DidItForMe]

new member

hi Jcraft:
I an only suggest that maybe you lead her to this site and let her see if it is something she wants to try for herself. you cannot do this for her, you cannot wish her to change, nor do the changing for her. It has to be be ALL her.

I wish you all the best!

[Popeye]

new member

Hi Jcraft,
Sorry I'm late, but welcome.
There is a lot of very good information to be gleaned from the people here.
I hope you find what you need.

[angellina]

new member

Hi, I only just checked this side of MWO out.

I was like your girlfriend, I met my husband and we got married after exactly 7 weeks but there was NO WAY I would have admitted I abused alcohol.

During the early days of the marriage it must have been apparent that I did drink - every night but I blamed it on my job etc (nursing).

Please give her a chance if you feel the relationship is worth it, but to be honest if you don't love her then leave her, this may cause controversy but it will make it worse for her if you stay and you are both arguing, stressing etc over this alcohol problem.
May be you should open this website and leave it on so she can see it but don't force her to see it. It may make her go the opposite way.

I have had this problem for 20 odd years, and I had to get to this point myself.

Good luck whatever you do, but remember (as posted on the general forum) you are only responsible for yourself, you cannot be blamed for others drinking actions
Angellina-x-

[MonaCat]

new member

She's gotta want to stop drinking for herself not you.
She might end up resenting you if you start pushing her too hard.

[zincityzen]

new member

Hi jcraft and welcome. My 2 cents is that if you go into a relationship wanting to change ANYTHING about someone, or wishing something about them would change, then you need to decide if the drama or uncertainty is going to be worth it. After a year I think you have enough information to know if you'd marry her or have kids with her. As MonaCat said, she needs to want to change for herself. Her drinking has been going on long before she met you and so sometimes she can control it when she's with you, but after a year that gets pretty hard. I'd be concerned about being lied to. I've been like your girlfriend too and needed to get my ya-yas out before settling down - I'm sure I would have scared Mr. Zin witless if he'd met me in my 20s!!