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How Can I Help A Friend?

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    How Can I Help A Friend?

    First I want to say great job on all your efforts and days counted as AF to all those trying.
    I am writing to see if there is a way to tell, and what it is I can do to help a friend, and came across MWO somehow through Goggle search...I've read many of the posting and there are so many positive and encouraging words - especially to each other.

    I joined MWO in hopes that someone can tell me what if anything I can do to help a friend.
    We have been on line friends - primarily through emails (minimal chat) with someone for about 18 months. We have always shared alot about our days in general, and something about ourselves. About 4 months ago, there was a sudden change in mood of emails, and when I asked was told - tired - bad day - got bad news - but no specifics....At first let it pass and thought other things to do, but then it seemed he had something to tell me, but not sure what - suspected he had become involved with someone, and our daily emailing was about to stop. I suggested in a subtle way that if it was taking too much of his time to email everyday, to just write when he had time...and would always love to hear from him.

    The response to this floored me, and have been torn apart ever since - he told me that some of his weekend routines I had been used to had suddenly changed, approx. the time I noticed change in his writings - and that he had been lying to me - he was an alcoholic - and that feeling he would be letting me down, and not being able to be the type of man I deserved in my life - he started lying about things. We having written back and forth for the past 2 weeks, and more things have come out...most importantly this seems to have been a problem with him for anywhere from 5 - 10 years minimum - he will not answer all that I ask - and his last email was most disturbing as he referred to himself as "pitiful and selfish" and embarassed about the person he really is.

    This is a very caring and loving person, who recognizes he has lost friends, family, job opportunities, and just enjoying life because of his drinking.

    I emailed him the MYO site....told him to talk to his Dr....if not the Dr. at least the pharmacist about some of the supplements that are recommended here...he insists that it is hopeless to try anything without Detox....and that is not a possibility because of risk of losing his job. I am in Canada he is in California - I have no ideas as to what if any protection is avail for employees who enter detox - I also have no idea as to if there is any financial assistance avail.

    Sorry this is so wordy .... my greatest concern is that I'm unsure if telling me was really a plea for help....a cry of desperation....or if he really wants to at the very least reduce his alcohol consumption. He told me he had contacted a detox centre and they told him with the amount he is drinking would require at least a 90 day stay....I told him to talk to Dr. first that perhaps that centre was more interested in money than the patient. I got no respsonse...and he won't tell me how much he is drinking but did tell me he has had convulsions and what I thought were symptons of an ulcer, has now been admitted as abuse of system.

    Think you have idea of picture - and being purely a social drinker with a consumption of maybe 3 bottles of wine A YEAR...you can appreciate I don't understand completely how
    alcohol overtakes your life. What I want to know is what I can and should do to help him.
    I'm afraid of pushing to hard....I'll just become a deleted name on his email address book.
    He's asked me just to be here when he needs me....and have tried to and intend to always be. I've sent smiles and hugs when he's told me - he took my advise and spent day away from apt walking, shopping going to the park, and glad his dinner tasted and was enjoyed so much more on these nights....but of course I'm skeptical if I'm being played, as he told me his drinking has been the end of all relationships....or if he really has the desire to quit/curb his habit.

    I was thinking of sending one of the packages from MWO, but unsure which would be the best as without medical attention don't want him to start any supplements without the advise of a Doctor.

    Any help, suggestions, support would be most appreciated....and if the best thing to do is walk away until he is ready to committ to what he says and get professional help to do so is best.... I need to know

    congrats again to all who have mastered another day AF.....keep up the great work

    #2
    How Can I Help A Friend?

    Nething4usp, thanks for posting and sharing your story.

    It sounds like your friend is depressed about his situation, which is a common thing to happen to us alcoholics. The unfortunate thing, at least from your standpoint, is that no amount of support, cajoling, prodding, etc. is going to make him do anything about his drinking until he wants to.

    It sounds like the desire may be there - as he has inquired into a detox center. The biggest step that most of us take is simply admitting that we have a problem with alcohol (not so much to someone else but to ourselves), and that our goal is to stop drinking completely. Believe me, it can be a tall order - but it is also entirely doable.

    Wish I had better words of wisdom for you, but at this point all you can do is be supportive of your friend - it is his choice as to whether or not he wants to stop. If he is employed and has insurance, most likely that would help pay for his detox treatment, but again if he is worried about his job that may not be an option (ironic considering that drinking may take his job anyway).

    Now, it is your choice as to staying and being supportive or walking away. I have no input there - it is entirely your choice and I wish you (and your friend) the best no matter what route you both end up taking.
    Sobriety Date: June 15, 2007 -- "It's not having what you want, It's wanting what you've got...."

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      #3
      How Can I Help A Friend?

      thank you AAthlete

      I think in my heart I knew, that until he really makes an admission and decision for himself that he has to get control of his drinking, that there would be very little I could do, other than to be here to listen....my greatest fear is that now that he has shared this part of his life that he has pulled further away, and seems to be as if calculating all he feels has been lost to him....and is retreating deeper into the depression and the drinking.

      I spent a great deal of last night wondering if all that has been said in the past, if when sober or after drinking....and which side of him is the real person. I do feel that him telling me of this addiction was very painful for him to do, and his words of how it hurt me seems to be from the heart and sincere.

      I will stick by him, and just hope by doing so, he won't turn and run...but will be there cautiously as you have suggested without prodding and hope that he willingly talks about what he needs to do to get his life back in order.

      I truly appreciate your time and words

      good luck and continued success is wished for you

      thank you again

      Comment


        #4
        How Can I Help A Friend?

        as AAthete said.

        i'd like to add that you are doing the right thing in being there for him without enabling him.

        i'll put myself in his shoes as a drinker if you dont mind.

        after confiding in you i now feel foolish when sober, but able to pour my feelings out to you when drunk (self disgust, despair etc). i also wish i hadnt and glad that i did. i wont like it when you bring up the subject of my drinking, its like you will judge me on my answer. i might just lie to avoid your disappointment.
        i would not appreciate a package from MWO no matter how well intentioned, its too much too soon. like jumping in at the deep end i want to dip my toe. (theres a great thread about 'the swimming pool' btw)

        BUT
        sending him the address of this site is a very good idea, he doesnt have to post, just read, and he can post when he wants to. i didnt post for over a year!!

        when he started chatting to you, you had no idea, i'm not suggesting you ignore the elephant in the room, but remember to carry on telling him about your day or whatever you chatted about before he gave you this bombshell. dont ignore the subject, but dont let it be too specific to him.

        it sounds to me that he is close to finding help and if you push him he may well get scared and retreat.

        i think he has found a very good friend in you.i hope that you read what i have written for what it is, my opinion. but hopefully helpful as that is the point of me writing it!!

        roxane

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          #5
          How Can I Help A Friend?

          thank you Roxanne.....especially for sharing your thoughts on sending a book/program from site. I feel so lost and helpless as to what to do - for both of us to get through this.
          You know how it is said that you don't appreciate something until it's not there....well that is far from the case for me....for I know what a precious and special friend he is to me...it would shatter my heart to push him away...and to know how he's hurting struggling with what to do for himself and not being there for him would be unbearable for me.
          I keep reading the posts and seeing what almost seems like an even split between support and tough love and not knowing which is best for him, for us, is one of the hardest things I've know to have to get through....and knowing how much more it is he is going through every day from start to end. I have sent the link for MWO....and there seemed to be little interest as he seems determined detox is his only option...and perhaps he is right...but until he makes that decision or stops avoiding whatever the real situation is, I had hoped he would see a doctor and/or read the postings here...to know he's not alone out there....
          that there are so many who can understand his days and struggles so much better than I.
          It just hurts so much to know all that he says and fears that has been lost to him is still there at his fingertips....he just needs to take a step forward to start regaining and having them better than he knew before.....

          I hope like you and so many others at some time (soon) he will come to the site....and learn and share from the postings, that's it far from hopeless if it's what he truly wants.

          If only there were some sort of magically to get him started....I know he'd see it through, even though it seems he has tried without any professional or from what he's telling me,
          even support from friends.

          Thank you again for taking the time to post

          best wishes to you

          Comment


            #6
            How Can I Help A Friend?

            I hope Beattle won't mind. Private message Beattle and ask him if he would be willing to read your post and give you some advice. I don't know enough about this to be any help but he might know something.

            Comment


              #7
              How Can I Help A Friend?

              thank you louise .... I'll try that and appreciate your suggestion, with hopes he can/will.

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